Personal Details

•  Born in Harrow Weald, Middlesex, during the 2nd World War.

• My night hells (aka night terrors) became fully developed. Up to the age of 6, I had an intensely tormenting night-time inner world, in which I seemed to be a wolf-like animal. In that tormented inner world I was pursued by certain types of normally inanimate object, each of which in its menacing animate form had a special name. Thus violin cases narrow end up were sproses, and the same with broad end up were sprouses; room lights that came down from the ceiling, hissing at me (the source of intense terror) were doots, and so on. These terrors overlay my true night terrors (better described as night hells, because actually they include much more than just terror) - a maelstrom of ultra-Satanistic-type 'horror movies' of unremitting power and intensity. In between my fleeing the pursuing terrors, I was desperately seeking company and closeness, which could never be found. An explanation for the whole hellish complex of experiences can be found on my page Night Hells (Night Terrors) and Hearing Voices.

• Natural history interest commenced (started with keeping caterpillars).
• Formal schooling started.

The whole of my formal schooling was something of an abomination and had little to do with the real needs of individual people. It brought me pretty well unremitting unhappiness, both directly and through the great deal of ridicule and bullying that I received; I knew not one person who was truly on my wavelength. ...I suppose it all did teach me something pretty important - that there had to be better ways!
I think it must have been in one of the optional weekly 6th-form periods of extra-curricular talks that sometimes were given by outside speakers that a woman once came and talked about Buddhism. I didn't remember anything much of what she said, and neither did I follow this up directly, but it had sown a seed which marked it as, in an important sense, the most important direct teaching that I received in all my schooling.

• Abrupt cessation of my night hells. The cessation resulted from my starting to fantasize at night on Dan Dare in the Eagle comic, which brought about sufficient grounding of my awareness for my night hells no longer to be able to operate.

• Musical interest fully awoke: a first hearing of Stravinsky's Petrouchka hit me like a bombshell. I had an acute shyness about people knowing of my having any musical leanings - to such an extent that I hid my musical interest from virtually everyone, including family and closest (i.e. least distant) friends till I'd moved from my parents' home in 1967. (I've a pretty good idea of the reason!)

• It was from about 1956 onwards that I began to experience a range of more or less minor health problems that in 2007 I was able to identify as being aggravated and in some cases caused by low-level mercury poisoning, primarily from my school (Harrow Weald County Grammar School). Most of these health problems have remained with me very long term.

• I went through a phase of keeping (all in my bedroom!) a wide range of animals as 'pets' - lizards, snakes (including boas and pythons) and various more or less small mammals; they were mostly exotic species, but included a breeding colony of tame rats to feed to the snakes.

•  A 21st birthday present of a camera prompted me to start doing nature photography (primarily of insects); this became a decidedly absorbing activity, and replaced my keeping of animals.

• Moved from my parents' home in Harrow Weald, to Pirbright (Surrey), then in 1969 to Guildford, for a research job at Pirbright, where I took part in a research project on biting midges.
• Came out into the open about my intense musical interest - though not much so about the tumult of music composing itself within me - and, as though possessed, I built up a large record collection of mostly 20th Century 'classical' music, much of it little known in this country.

• Driven by a deep suffering, I 'came out' in another way: made my homosexuality* known to all and sundry - not always with exemplary tact!
  

  * Please see note about homosexuality just below this table.

• Resolved not to meet or relate with anyone at all on the basis of their gender or sexual orientation - a far-reaching decision much more important than the 'coming out'; I no longer classified myself as 'gay' or 'non-gay', having begun to recognise that my true nature (and other people's) transcended such trivial details. For this I was criticized by some for being 'unnatural' and even 'fascistic'.
• Stopped all natural history activity, including photography, to give myself more mental space to develop in other ways. For the same reason, I withdrew from my research job and accepted a period of unemployment. Took up Re-evaluation Counselling, a potentially powerful self-liberation technique based on a structured approach to facilitating emotional release. This marked commencement of my ongoing active self healing / self actualization process (though at that time I didn't think of it as 'healing', nor as 'self actualization', nor as 'self realization'). It did, however, prove to be a very slow and inefficient method, with a number of serious drawbacks and pitfalls, as I recount in the latter link reference. (Would that I had had Self-Power Walking and Grounding Point then!)

• Started writing highly original and exploratory poetry, much of which had a strong visionary character.

• Started self-publishing collections of my poetry, mostly as A4 duplicated editions, selling copies locally (i.e. in Guildford) and on a very small scale. This continued till 1977.
• Joined the Surrey University Choir. Would you believe this - that simple act was probably the bravest thing I've done in this lifetime! The weight of fear to push through was tremendous, and I was shaking like a demented jelly on the evening of that momentous first rehearsal (just Bach's Christmas Oratorio), feeling as though something unspeakably frightful was going to happen to me! I've kept up regular choral singing ever since, mostly in Exeter University Choral Society. Fortunately the fear gradually dissipated over the months and years, so nowadays I just accept my many mistakes with peaceful good humour and enjoy the whole experience.

• Moved to Exeter to study for a degree at Exeter University.

• Resumed nature photography, this to develop considerably in 1985, covering primarily insects, plants, lichens and fungi, and wild scenery.
• Started laboriously writing a series of small-scale rather rudimentary music compositions - mostly initially intended as duets that I could play with a student friend I'd made in the University Choral Society, though a few were songs for bass solo for me to sing, one of them being my 'party piece', the Flapping Duck Song, with which I have caused occasional hilarity over the years. The first of the compositions, a little flute duet entitled simply Study No.1, was some 19 years later to become the foundation of the haunting and troubled 2nd movement of my 6th Symphony, while the second was in 1995 to grow to become my official Opus 1 - the 1st Symphony.

• First visit to Scottish Highlands, with first experience of solo mountain walking - something that was to be developed and repeated annually in Scotland and sometimes in parts of the Alps.
• Graduated - for whatever good that did me.

• First short stories written.

• Was quietly excluded from the local group of the Re-evaluation Counselling community because the group felt ill at ease with my presence - I was much more strongly motivated for total self-liberation than the others locally and felt increasingly frustrated with their relatively low level of awareness.
• Started doing regular long, usually solo, single-day hikes on Dartmoor and other wild places, normally hitch-hiking out and back - something that was to develop and continue to the present day as quite a major feature of my life.

• Closed down the photography. First novels written.

• Took up the Alexander Technique, an incredibly powerful tool for self-liberation. Quickly and permanently incorporated it into every aspect of my lifestyle.

• Broke out into full-scale symphonic music composition, using a MIDI sequencer program on the computer.

• The greatest and most welcome event of my life! (well, up to that point!) Unexpectedly crossed the threshold of enlightenment (so-called 'spiritual' enlightenment', though it actually has nothing to do with 'spirituality') - suddenly concluding that I'd been on a lifelong spiritual path* without even knowing it, and was now on a semblance of the Dzogchen 'path' (generally seen as the highest practice in Buddhism, though in truth its essence is not a specifically Buddhist practice), with an internal 'guide' rather than external guru and no external rituals.
  

  * Actually this was a distortion of the actual situation, which was to lead me into very serious problems from late 2003 onwards, for what I'd really been on was a self actualization or self realization path, but from this point in 1997 I allowed myself to get diverted into a so-called spiritual path, which is something actually very different and highly problematical, as I explain in Exit 'Spirituality' - Enter Clear-Mindedness.

• Made all my literary works available on disk and on my newly created website.

• Produced CD recordings of all my music compositions, copies of them being made available to others on a very small, non-commercial scale. Started presenting my music compositions on my website
• Made a very tentative start in spiritual healing by joining a small local group of mostly Reiki-oriented healers who accepted complete novices.
  

  Yes, and that marked a quite major step towards my near-nemesis at the 'hands' of the dark force from late 2003 onwards. I explain about the serious problems relating to ALL the healing traditions, including Reiki, in Am I a Healer?, where I also relate a hazardous, albeit ultimately educational, situation that arose for me from the above-mentioned healers' group.
  

• Accelerating inner changes brought about by giving and receiving healing and gaining understanding from other mystics and healers.
  

  Yes, at that time I thought I was a mystic of sorts, and that was a major part of my developing problem. The 'understandings' that I was picking up then were leading me way off-course, away from genuine self actualization and towards the forthcoming major assault from the dark force, to which I was unwittingly progressively opening myself.
  

• Carson Cooman, a concert pianist, organist and composer, discovered my work (via this website) and started the no doubt lengthy and tortuous process of promoting my work and encouraging my further creative efforts. He motivated me to get appropriate software to start producing scores of my extant works and started encouraging me to produce organ works which he could perform.

• Composed, to a commission from Carson Cooman, a major organ work, The Great Wilderness.

• It became almost routine this year that on my hiking outings, where I would hitch-hike out to the start and back from the finish of the walk, I discover at least one person who is a healer without knowing it, so that I had the inspiring task of telling the person and advising as to next steps...
  

  Well, yes, I was doing the very best I knew how at that time, but unfortunately I was pointing all those people in a very problematical direction, as became very clear from what soon happened to me. Since my getting a proper understanding - i.e. from mid-2007 onwards - I dropped putting emphasis on the 'healer' aspect when talking with such people, and instead increasingly pointed to their genuine self actualization potential and ability instead, indeed warning about the dark force involvement in all the healing traditions.
  

• Gained certification as a so-called Reiki 'Master'.
  

  I now understand my Reiki involvement to have been distinctly problematical, as explained in My Own Self Actualization 'Path'. The calling of anyone a Reiki Master - especially after just three workshops and maybe a bit of practice, without regard even to one's suitability to teach healing or Reiki at all - is laughable, apart from the great harm that has come to many people as a result of this. As I now well understand, my certification as a 'Reiki Master' marked a further step in my unwitting increasing involvement with and openness to the dark force, which latter was shortly to strenuously seek to take me over, either to make me one of its puppet teachers or to destroy me.

• Produced three music compositions, all with highly unorthodox instrumentation.

• The French publisher Musik Fabrik started publishing my works. The proprietor - the virtuoso saxophonist Paul Wehage - commissioned from me a work for saxophone, and what emerged was The Seen and the Unseen, a major and weighty visionary work for two saxophones and piano, which, Paul assures me, is quite unlike anything previously been written for the saxophone. Later in the year I completed Nordic Wilderness Journey, another major visionary work for two saxophones (this time including a contrabass saxophone) and piano, commissioned by the saxophone and clarinet virtuoso Jay Easton.
• As I was coming up to 60 years old, this summer I decided to get bolder in my hitch-hiking for my weekly hikes, and included in my repertoire of walks certain long and hard coast path routes on the Land's End peninsula and other far-removed parts of Cornwall, still hitch-hiking to and from the route within a single day (from Exeter).

• My first venture into composing music specifically intended as a background or support to healing work - Ascending.
• In October, I started channelling from what I took to be my inner guidance, thus innocently 'dropping myself right in it' - for I had fallen into a trap that had been set up for me by the dark force, then having massive disruption and confusions from it, which caused me a lot of trouble.

• Reduced the length of my hikes, supposedly to allow for more enjoyment of my surroundings and human interaction - though in retrospect I understand that my 'guidance' to make that change was from the dark force in order to help weaken me to its attacks.
• Was valiantly and doggedly continuing with my attempted self healing process in the face of massive interferences and attacks from the dark force, which took me through periods of severe and near-hellish ordeals associated with my channelling, these in January to April and then October and again in December (in the latter two cases resulting in my hospitalization).
  

  As I came to understand much more recently, the dark force appeared to be running a multi-prong campaign to try to disable me in some way as a potential threat to it and its noxious agenda - as I explain in The Dark Force ('Astral Entities') - My Own Tough Experiences. There were clear signs of attempts by various means (a) to take me over and make me into a dark force puppet like the vast majority of prominent 'spiritual teachers' and healers / 'lightworkers', or (b) to wreck me, making me an intractable 'psychiatric case', or (c) to destroy me completely - i.e. to bring about my very premature death.
  

  I describe my self healing process then as 'attempted', because really the methods I was using at that time, although widely recognised as supposedly really good, were actually relatively ineffective for major issues. Indeed, as I subsequently came to recognise, the dark force, posing as my inner 'guidance', had been systematically motivating me to stick with inefficient, time-consuming and often wearying methods and to keep clear of any efficient, 'fast-track' methods that I came to hear about.
  

• I experienced further crises caused by the dark force's severe attacks on me, but these became progressively less frequent and severe after the (at times) quite desperate-feeling winter and spring. In late August I finally put an embargo on accepting any communications at all from non-physical sources, to remain in force until the 'astral beings' are finally cleared from my energy system* (though actually it wasn't that long before I ill-advisedly resumed some degree of acceptance of 'guidance', supposedly from my own higher consciousness, which of course was really 'more of the same', i.e. the dark force seeking to lead me astray in all sorts of ways).
  

  * This was actually a confused and distorted understanding, which had arisen from misinformation that the dark force was giving me while it was posing as 'higher guidance'. As I now understand, the dark force is not true beings at all, and such presences cannot be cleared out in the way that I thought at that time (and healers / 'lightworkers' almost universally - but mistakenly - believe to be possible).
  More about the true nature of the dark force in The True Nature of 'The Dark Force' and its Interference and Attacks.

• Two short stays in the Findhorn community - a real eye-opener! For a time I was considering whether to relocate there, but in 2007 I came to the realization that, despite all its wonderful strong points, that community, and its members individually, are to varying degrees being led by the dark force, just as ALL 'spiritual' communities and movements are*. Therefore it would not be healthy for me to associate myself with that or indeed any similar community in any way, let alone actually stay there again.
  

  * For more about this issue, please see Exit 'Spirituality' - Enter Clear-Mindedness.

• In March I took up the exceptionally powerful yet simple inquiry method for clearing emotional issues called The Work, which appeared to have rendered redundant all my previous emotional healing methods. It brought about what seemed at the time to be spectacular inner changes for me.
  

  At least the changes seemed spectacular compared with the methods I'd been using before, but that was nothing at all compared with the much more 'spectacular' results that my more recent methodology (post mid-May 2007, and especially from 2008 with my beginnings of developing the Clarity-Sphere) has been bringing me.

• I still had interference and attacks from the dark force, which caused continuing channelling problems and brought about crises through their attacks, requiring a brief hospitalization in September and again in October. See One Right Weirdo Hike - What Do You Make of This?, which relates to what led up to that September hospitalization.
• What I took to be my final long hike for this lifetime was on 23rd September, leading on to an arthritic flare-up of my right knee, which subsequently remained somewhat troublesome. I had to limit myself to occasional short local strolls throughout the winter.
  

  Actually it turned out that the arthritis was NOT due to any 'overdoing' of my hiking. All my indications are that that specific outbreak of the affliction had been caused by a serious weakening of particular parts of my 'energy system' that had been caused by a massive potentially lethal psychic attack that had been launched on me during the course of my 'right weirdo hike' (see the link above). Fortunately this was to turn out to be fully healable by the very methods that I was having to take up anyway to get myself progressively clear of the dark force's ongoing interference and attacks.
  

• In late December, I got 'assistance' from DZ, a 'lightworker', in starting to attempt to clear myself of interfering non-physical 'entities' and other 'external energetic interferences' (EEIs), as he called them - i.e. the dark force interferences.

• Continued my attempts at clearance of 'entities' and other interferences, using that "lightworker's" method, and with his direct 'assistance' at times. However, although I made many gains through this process, it became apparent that the 'entities' (i.e. dark force interference and attacks) issue was still very much with me. I subsequently came to realize that both he and I were being extensively deceived at that time by the dark force, and no entities of note were actually being removed despite 'visuals' being presented to both of us showing such removal actually happening. Indeed, I also subsequently established that that particular 'lightworker' had, presumably unawarely, put some harmful energy configurations in my own non-physical aspects. More about all this in My Own Self Actualization 'Path' - Part 2.
• I took up the EFT to use as well as The Work in my emotional clearance process.
• Very slow improvement of my arthritic knee, allowing short local strolls to lead on to a return of the hiking outings, but naturally I remained limited to relatively short walking routes (5-8 miles - a maximum total of about 10 miles including road walking in the hitch-hikes out and back).
• Following a prompt from the writings of Steve Gamble, in April I came to recognise all channelled scenarios and 'higher' or 'spiritual' realities as being at least in part the work of the dark force and thus something to completely avoid. I also distanced myself from all supposed past life information about myself or indeed anyone else. Not only was I not channelling any more, but I got progressively removing channelled information from my Self Realization & Clear-Mindedness site, so that it could focus much more effectively on true self realization without troublesome if alluring sidetracks. This is explained more in Better Without Channelling and Exit 'Spirituality' - Enter Clear-Mindedness.
• In May I attended a particular workshop from which I gained new life improvement methods that, in my hands, at once proved to be the basis of a full and relatively comprehensive self actualization methodology that I then started developing.  These included a set of powerfully life-enhancing yogic practices, most of them very energetic, the central one being the Returning Life Sequence*, which, when used daily, is claimed to actually progressively reverse at least most of what is generally taken to be the ageing process of one's energy system. Whether or not that actually categorical claim is really 100% accurate, I have definitely had consistent ongoing very positive change that appears to be associated with my using it.
  I also gained from that workshop a procedure called energy testing, a simple means of testing the effects on me of environmental 'energies', relationships and actions of mine, both current and prospective (this done without channelling - very important!), which I was to extend to make it much more flexible and versatile when used in the right hands.
  I experienced immediate great benefits from these life tools, rapidly becoming more powerful against the dark force's attempts still to unseat me and disrupt my life and turn me away from true self actualization methods - and now I had means to progressively improve my living environment and every detail of my daily life to make it more harmonious with and supportive to my ultimate best interests - 'living with intent' in the best sense imaginable.
  

  * More about this in Some Potent Self Actualization / Healing Practices.

• Since I took up the abovementioned practices and was thus at last embarking on a really effective self actualization process the recovery of my right knee accelerated, allowing increasingly long and hard hikes. On 11th August, just two days before my reaching the age of 65 and starting to receive the State pension, I walked the strenuous 21-mile coast path route from Exmouth to Beer (actually with a further 2 miles of road walking as part of the outward hitch-hike). Those practices mentioned above did seem to be working, and that knee was rapidly becoming no longer a limitation for me.
• Also as a result of the abovementioned practices plus the energy testing, I surprised myself by buying a new and relatively high grade digital camera, and started nature photography on my hikes once more, setting up a new website - Broad Horizon Photos - for selling the pick of the photos that I take.
• Subsequently I was experiencing a pronounced and accelerating increase in a stable and unwavering deep happiness and 'inner smile', as the dark force interferences were progressively diminished by the recently acquired self actualization* practices.
  

  * It is best that I explain here that, as being presented at the workshop the practices were simply 'life improvement' methods, but because my intent was deeper and broader based, in my hands the methods were effectively proper self actualization ones.

• Further major positive change in my life and overall life experience, despite and indeed partly because of what turned out in the short term to be an apparent red herring! I'm referring to my ambitious-sounding Clarity-Sphere project, which involved using spheres of suitable stone types supposedly containing special programming that was intended to facilitate one's healing and self realization process very powerfully indeed. The only catch turned out eventually to be that there had been a flaw in my energy testing that didn't come to light till late December 2009, which had enabled a whole 'ideal' fantasy to be progressively built up about use of these stone spheres on the basis of that programming, which latter actually was fictitious and had never happened! As soon as I eventually found that the spheres really had no programming, I had no alternative to publicly drop the Clarity-Sphere project and any project that depended on the actually imaginary Clarity-Sphere programming.
  

  However, it was very evident that the Clarity-Sphere project did benefit me in many ways, helping my healing / self actualization process and the progressive reduction of dark force interferences and attacks. This was because I put much store in using various healing and clearance methods with my working 'Clarity-Sphere', and those methods were all valid and effective in their own right as healing and self actualization methods*, and the aventurine sphere that I was using worked excellently for the purpose as 'surrogate' and also resonator and focus of one's healing and positive intents. It is just that there was no actual programming that would have still further enhanced those methods and added many additional major benefits.

  * I don't mean this to sound like a sort of lame apology for what I was doing, for the results of the methods were very much at the top end of what one would get from healing methods generally, AND went beyond them in being free from distortions from troublesome external influences, through working consistently from my own deepest aspects rather than the usual sort of things like 'calling in the Light' or working with supposed guides or angels, which actually all cause major problems and were part of what had dropped me into such big trouble in 2003. Various other people who were using 'Clarity-Spheres' reported the same sorts of beneficial effects that I appeared to be getting from mine.
  

  Indeed, at the beginning of 2010 I was to produce a new web page to replace the Clarity-Sphere one, entitled Stone Spheres as Healing and Self Actualization Aids, which shows how you can use polished spheres of suitable stone type as very effective healing aids.
  

  In any case, really the Clarity-Sphere project had not at all been discarded, but it had simply been 'put on the back burner' to await my future experimentations with polished stone spheres to see if there were in fact some way that I could at least eventually start programming them with some sort of Clarity-Sphere functionality.
  

• One major feature of 2009 was my healing of a 3rd Degree tear ('rupture') of my right quadriceps muscle (the big one on the front of the thigh) to the extent that several months later I was walking hikes of full length and strenuousness again, with no pain or noticeable sense of weakness in that leg - though I was to remain with slightly reduced combined leg power so that the hardest walks took a little longer.

• So, I started 2010 with a lot of the same methods as in 2009, but a more rigorous approach to inner inquiry and energy testing, and no further distracting illusions about possibilities that are effectively nonexistent, and indeed having greater assistance through expanded use of the Energy Egg family of 'energy protection' / healing devices, and indeed of a very nice polished marble sphere.
  This approach will keep things more down to earth and help avoid any further time (and money!) wasting, and will undoubtedly further speed my clearance of the remaining interferences from troublesome influences.
• Life rapidly becoming still more 'free' and joyful in nature, with the dark force shenanigans very much sidelined - and I have very quick and simple procedures to use on the rare occasions when I do notice a hint of an attack. Amazing that people read about all this on my Self Realization site and then still seek to tell me and others that I'm writing a lot of rubbish and I ought to be using their own favourite belief system, with all the ineffective and dark force connecting methods based on it.
• In late 2010 I started on a new tack with experimental attempts to progressively build up some sort of beneficial programming in my working marble sphere, having chosen a larger and thus potentially more powerful one to use for the purpose. This did appear to be starting to 'get somewhere'.
  

• My prototype new-concept Clarity-Sphere (C-S) came increasingly into focus during the first months of this year, and it was not long before I was able to discontinue completely my use of the Energy Egg 'family' of devices, provisionally declaring them redundant, and use my C-S setup as my sole 'physical' aid, so simplifying things considerably. I was also able to reduce the number of practices that I was using each day to a more workable minimum and so live my life in a somewhat better balanced manner.
  Yes, dark force interference and attacks still were coming my way, BUT it was at a still lower level than last year, with noticeable events still progressively more infrequent. I was able to nip any attempt of an attack in the bud with very simple and quick procedures.